Letter to My Father

This is a weekend to celebrate fatherhood. My Dad, who passed away in 2019, was truly amazing.  My Father-in-Law is also fantastic.  I’m very fortunate.     

Many emotions are associated with the word “father”.  I’ve heard that people get their ideas of God from their experiences with their own father.  What words describe yours?  Loving?  Kind?  Generous?  Absent?  Abusive?  Manipulative?  Could he be trusted with your heart?  I realize this isn’t an easy question with a simple answer.  Even the most idyllic childhood with the most loving Dad is marred by memories of an exhausted and overworked man losing his temper.  It’s a tough job and Dads are human. 

My Dad and Mom took me to church growing up.  I was baptized, confirmed, and learned about Jesus.  Unfortunately, a tragedy in college left me questioning what I believed for many years.  Fourth of July weekend, 1989, some friends and I decided to shoot off fireworks from a train trestle.  It was around midnight, pitch black, and foggy.  A friend fell 200 feet to his death that night.  I didn’t get home until 6am after all of us were questioned at the local police station.  I had recently changed my major to music, but this night turned “following my dream” into a nightmare.  An 18-year-old friend’s funeral, fear of heights and driving over bridges, severe bouts with anxiety and depression, panic attacks, crying fits out of nowhere.  I plowed through it all the best I could to earn a music degree in my last two years of college.  One night, I locked myself in a practice room in front of a piano and started writing my first song since grade school.  I poured out my heart to a Father I’d heard about in church growing up, I’d talked to more than once, but now felt so distant, so cold, so heartless.  I was desperately clinging to my faith in anything good.  I wrote a Letter to My Father. listen here: Letter to My Father         

I still wanted to know and trust God so I kept sporadically reading my Bible through the years.  I loved reading the book of Psalms because it expresses such a wide range of emotions. I learned it’s okay to bring everything to God: my hardest questions, my deepest pain, even my ugliest anger.  He wants me to be real with Him.  He already knows what I’m going through, so not talking to Him about it is pointless.  It only buries the pain deeper, causing more emotional, mental, and physical turmoil.     

I spent a decade living in St. Louis, MO from 2010 to 2020.  One morning in 2011, as I was scrolling through my FB feed on my phone, I heard God whisper to my spirit to delete the app and start each morning with Him.  Alone.  In my Bible.  It was the beginning of an amazing faith journey for me.  I attended several different women’s Bible studies and met ladies of deep faith who have become close friends.  I went to numerous songwriting workshops that focused on writing about Jesus.  Now I can’t imagine waking up and not having quiet time with the Lord.  It’s no wonder I couldn’t hear my Heavenly Father when I allowed the noise of the media to permeate the first hours of my day. 

Recently, in one of my morning meditations, I heard God speak the most beautiful and healing words to me:  “I love you more than you will EVER need to be loved.”  Those words were so perfectly timed they left me crying tears of joy.  This knowledge took root deep in my soul and is growing into new emotional experiences in my life.  Rather than fear other people’s opinions, judgments or thoughts of me, I focus on my Father’s eternal love.  I am experiencing life-changing 1 John 4:18 and Ephesians 3:16-19 moments every day. 

I don’t know what emotions you’re carrying this Father’s Day.  I pray you take them all to God.  I pray you thank Him, cry out to Him, even shake your fist in anger and want answers from Him.  He’s your Heavenly Dad and He’ll always listen and love you.  More than you’ll EVER need to be loved.

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